Last Sunday, we met my parents-in-law and niece, JW, for a short gathering;- Dinner and shopping. As there were only 5 of us including little JW, Mr Ong had a chance to spend time with JW. Mr Ong always favors girl than boy. Though he prefers to have girl than boy, he wasn't upset when I gave birth to Mini Ong. To him, girl is a bonus. This is why when my sister-in-law gave birth to a girl, Mr Ong was extremely excited!
However, JW didn't like Mr Ong to carry her. She prefers me instead. It took a long time before JW finally allowed Mr Ong to be close to her. It all happened only recently. Last Sunday, JW allowed Mr Ong to carry her, to play with her, and even automatically wanted Mr Ong to hold her little hands. Oh boy you can imagine how happy Mr Ong was.
Here are the pictures I took for them. See how happy they were!
After we parted, Mr Ong continued telling me how happy he was to be able to have some time with JW and how happy he was to see JW became a cheerful happy girl and he would love her etc etc..the communication was all about JW. He even said he wondered how our girl would look like. He prefers our girl to look like me because he loves my sharp and pretty face *shy shy*.
At this point, I can't help but started to think about our future and our marriage. It is not a secret that we married because I was pregnant. Though both of us wasn't ready to commit at that time, we married for the sake of Mini Ong. 6 years has passed and though our relationship has improved tremendously - Thank GOD for HIS love and support, I still have insecure feeling. I feel insecure about finances - I am still jobless and Mr Ong's has not converted to perm, I want to be financially independent so that we will not quarrel regarding money, and I feel insecure about his commitment in the family. Mr Ong loves clubbing and loves being "single" in the club. None of his clubber friends know that he is married *worried worried*.
I know I should trust GOD and remove all the fears but being a human, I'm really scare. Everyday I am praying for breakthrough in my career, finance and marriage. I am praying to remove my fear and trust GOD completely. Somehow there is a devil in me trying to scare me. The battle is ongoing daily.
If by having another baby, best of all a girl, would save my marriage, I would give it a try. However what if it's another boy? Though Mr Ong said gender doesn't matter but I knew that if it is going to be another boy, my marriage will still remain status quo. In fact it will be worst for me cos having Mini Ong already drains my energy. By having 2 boys I think I will run away. So I rather have Mini Ong ONLY. Only by having a girl will I see breakthrough in my marriage. As he prefers girl, I believe he will automatically spend more time in the family and more involve in parenting. I believe his mindset will change and so is his irresponsible attitude (Clubbing without telling people his marital status).
I told GOD if a baby girl will strengthen this marriage and this family, I will give birth to one though I don't like children. I know it is wrong to pray for baby gender but for the sake of this marriage and this family, I want to and must pray for a baby girl. I told GOD I commit my marriage to HIM. If it is HIS will for me to be pregnant again, let it be a girl. I already have a boy. Let us have a girl that looks like me. And should that day ever come, bless Mr Ong to have a permanent career, bless us to have financial breakthrough, bless us to have enough money to pay for the bills, family expenses and debts, bless us to be a committed family, and transform Mr Ong to be a responsible and loving husband and daddy.
We did not plan for another kid though Mr Ong often mentioned about having a girl. If I accidentally pregnant again (which is very unlikely...no action no baby!), I believe it is GOD's will. And if that day ever come, I believe GOD will provide. I must really learn to trust GOD completely and not let the devil scares me. My faith must be strong in order for GOD's blessing to come.
Oh GOD I pray that YOU will renew my faith in YOU daily. Let me trust YOU completely despite having a tough situation now. Block the devil who is trying to scare me. Guide me to focus in YOU only. Thank you for your love and blessing. In Jesus's name I pray Amen.
Faith
LC
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