Everyone faces this situation daily. The angel vs demon aka the good vs bad. We are facing situation daily that requires to choose. Some chose to do good while some chose the bad. Did it ever occur to you that choosing bad is actually easier and happier? At least it does for me. Example, when quarrel with Mr Ong, it is so so super easy to shout at him demanding him to listen to me, than cool myself down talking to him in a gentle tone. The devil is working on me in this case. Why is it so hard to do good?
Lately panic attack me especially when the surrounding is quiet such as at night. If you don't know what is panic attack, according toWikipedia, Panic attacks are periods of intense fear or apprehension that are of sudden onset[1] and of relatively brief duration. Panic attacks usually begin abruptly, reach a peak within 10 minutes, and subside over the next several hours. Often, those afflicted will experience significant anticipatory anxiety and limited symptom attacks in between attacks, in situations where attacks have previously occurred
(http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Panic_attack)Fear set in because of my current situation. I have been jobless since Jan. 4 months gone and despite going for interviews, there weren't any good news. No doubt Mr Ong has been providing for the family, he doesn't pay for my personal expenses such as my parents' and my mobile bills (deducted from my GIRO monthly), lingerie, sanitary pad, insurance, transportation etc etc...In general, my own expenses excluding family expenses.
It always lead to quarrel whenever we talk about money. He will makes me feel that it is wrong to ask him for money even though husband should provide for his wife. Hence there is no way I can become a housewife knowing that I will end up like a beggar. No money to spend on myself. Even though I earn much much much (more than 2 times) lesser than Mr Ong, at least I can spend my own money at ease.
Daily I have been praying to God. I pray that God will bless Mr Ong with a permanent position at his current company and with wisdom to deal with insecure B**ch. I pray that I will be blessed with a permanent job with good career prospect, nice and supportive boss, and good income. However, news come in daily is negative.
It was so negative that fear set in. Seeing that my bank account is getting lesser and lesser, I couodn't help but scared. I kept telling myself God will provide as promised in HIS words yet there is a dark side of me telling me that God has forgotten me.
It is a battle between angel and demon. Angel side of me is constantly reminding me that God will provide. I just got to trust HIM and have faith in HIM. HE will provide in HIS time. However the dark side of me is telling me God has forgotten about me and Mr Ong. If God remembers, why is Mr Ong still a contractor and may be jobless in May, and I am still jobless.
I know I should trust God. I even remind Mr Ong daily that God is with him and he has to trust God. See how hypocrite I am? I don't even dare to tell Mr Ong the battle going through my mind! How can I keep telling Mr Ong to trust God when I myself starts to waver?
There are times I am so tempted to be a mistress. There are married successful men who want me. Despite knowing that I am married with kid and not young anymore, they are still attracted to me, willing to splurge on me! Of course it is not about love. It is just "business transaction". Money in exchange with service. Damn! I am so 没骨气! Anyway it is a temptation. If it really happened you would see me cover with branded goods and diamond! This is dark side of me telling me to go for it. I tried to sleep the whole day daily so that I will not think too much. I dare not go out cos going out means spending. So sleeping is the best medicine for me at the moment provided I can really sleep!
Of course the good side of me is still lesser than the dark side that is why I am suffering from panic attack! If I have the money I won't be worrying about all these stuff. I am looking for part time job but I need the flexibility to go for interview as and when needed and quit without notice period. So far I have not seen such a flexibility in part time job sigh....
Anyway anyway I need to do something to divert my attention from the dark side. Something that stimulate my brain instead of me stimulating the thing. Damn I don't know what am I talking about.
Crazy
LC
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