家是讲爱的地方，不是讲道理的地方

这是一分早餐 ／ 午餐我为Mr Ong 准备的。不知道为什么今天特别想做吃的。可能是我自己想要吃鸡蛋吧。好想吃鸡蛋哦！～～～ ooooo

Mr Ong commented that I had not been cooking for him for a long long time. Suddenly I sank into a daze...I remembered during my school days, I often thought If I ever got married, I want to be a good mother and wife. A pretty and capable housewife. I imagined myself waking up early in the morning to prepare breakfast for husband and kid, and then send them off to work / school with my passionate kiss and hug. While both husband and kid are not at home, I would do my housework with a cheerful heart. After which prepare dinner for my family. When both of them return home, I would once again greet them with my loving hug and kiss...of course not smell of cooking oil but the fragrance of the perfume :)...

However reality is cruel. It is NOT the same that I had visualized. My real life is slogged like hell at work daily, and upon reaching home, slogged like hell again to do housework. Mr Ong would be as usual, be his "dua bai gong" sitting at his "altar" gaming. Thank GOD my Mini Ong is a sensible boy. He would shower himself, dressed himself, practically does everything by himself.

There were countless of quarrels and hurts throughout this marriage. Someone ever told me that Mr Ong will change after we move into new house. Because his mother will not be able to "kio sai" for him, and that he will have to force himself to do. However, not very true. Bad habit carried forward. Anyway after much crying, begging, shouting, letter writing,....he finally changed....A BIT only. He started to help a bit. At least it was a good start.

You Can't Give Somebody What You Don't Have

是逞强或坚强，
委屈都自己扛。
我以为那是一种退让
是一种善良。

Recently, this lyric keeps ringing in my mind. Maybe this is something to do with my situation now. I have been living in fear, and in insecurity for 7 years. Every year, I pray for the same thing. "Financial breakthrough". However, I don't see it happening to me. I do not have any debt personally except renovation loan that I borrowed from my aunt. This doesn't bother me as I pay her by installment monthly. What really stressed me and caused unhappiness in my life is Mr Ong's debts.  

I had been trying to support and to help him for 7 years. I may not be the best wife in the world but I did my part. His debts problem became worst lately as he is jobless for many month. It was so bad that one of the banks started to call me demanding payment (I was then his guarantor). The calls soon became harassment when the bank kept calling me during office hours to threaten me. I begged Mr Ong to solve the problem but he refused. Ignored it. Telling me he is helpless. 

I was angry. Very mad at his irresponsibility. I wanted to declare bankrupt. Wanted to "同归于尽“ However, I have mini Ong to support. If I bankrupt, it will definitely affects my employment. How am I going to support mini Ong?Finally, I paid the bank using other means. However, the other bank problem is still unsettled. What made the matter worst is his personal expenses like mobile bill etc all added to me and debtor came to our house demand for payment! I am really unhappy and bua song. Why should I have to bear all these? Just because legally we are husband and wife? Pui! F!

I prayed to God crying to HIM begging HIM to save me. I really really do not want to have ANYTHING to do with Mr Ong. Call me a selfish bitch. I don't care. It's time to care for myself and mini Ong. Somehow, I didn't know if God heard my crying.Finally one day, HE showed me HE heard me. It was a Wednesday morning and I was in the train praying (My personal time with GOD is always on the way to work). I had very bad menses cramp and on that day, and I need to pick a candidate from Tai Seng MRT station to office at 9.30am (She didn't know the way from MRT to office as the route is complicated). I told God, "God, why am I so stupid? I should have told her to wait for me at Tai Seng MRT station at 8.30am instead so that we can walk to office together. Then I don't have to come out from office at 9.15am again. Stupid me." It was then miracle happened. The candidate called me (it was 8.30am) telling me she was at Tai Seng MRT waiting for me and just then, MRT stopped at Serangoon station! (I need to transit from Serangoon MRT to take CCL to Tai Seng) I was like "WOW!" 

On the same week on Friday night. God spoke to me again. I was praying for breakthrough telling GOD how tired I am when Joyce Meyer (I was listening to her sermon at the same time) said, "You can't give somebody what you don't have." It was then I realized why I was tired and drained. I had been trying to give Mr Ong what I don't have! Those money that I spent on helping him are NOT my own but from my mum's and friend and because I loan from them, it becomes my responsibility to return. This exhausts my energy. Causes me to be unhappy.

GOD is really hearing me! HE is telling me to STOP giving what I don't have and learn to draw from HIM. I have to learn to ignore Mr Ong's threat about me not helping him (He doesn't tell me directly to help him but would use other method to make me feel bad. TMD! I really hate it whenever he does that!)Time for me to learn to ignore him and time for him to learn to manage his "shit". Even if he needs to declare bankrupt, so be it.  So long GOD is with me, I am protected and loved.

Thank you GOD!LC

想爱却不能爱 － 逞强或坚强？

当你遇到想爱却不能爱的人，你会怎么做？放弃自己的身份不顾一切的去爱？不管别人怎么说怎么骂你，你都不顾一切的去追求你爱的人？两个人幸福就好。不去理会他人。不管别人怎么应为你的选择而痛苦，受伤，你都坚持自己的感觉，勇敢的去爱？

或者默默的爱？过着见不得人的爱？遇到熟人的时候假装只是普通朋友。这样的爱会幸福吗？还是彼此觉得幸福就好。不需要一张纸来证明什么。更不需要炫耀拥有彼此。。。只希望能默默的彼此相爱和陪伴对方到老。。。那到底是坚强或逞强？

不管选择勇敢的去爱，或者偷偷的爱，都会有人因为你们的选择而受伤。如果你们选择勇敢的去爱，你们身边的亲人会因为你们的决定而受伤，痛苦。可能会花好长的时间愈合受伤的心。你们也会因此成为千古罪人。。。直到大家被你们的爱给感动了而原谅你们。那将会是个漫长的路。。。可是如果偷偷的爱，辛苦的是自己。因为会内疚。也因为会觉得对不起对方，不能给对方全部的自己。但是至少身边的亲人不会受到伤害。这是坚强或逞强？

尽管如此，能够爱和被爱已经是很幸福的了。是坚强也好逞强也罢，说真的都无所谓。因为当你们相爱的时候，这个爱已包含了坚强和逞强。很无奈，却也因为相爱而不得不牺牲。最终还是牺牲自己的幸福来换取亲人的快乐。。。也只能祈祷有一天会真正拥有对方全心全意光明正大的爱。

逞强
LC

~Forever In love~

"Does 'forever in love' even exist?" Someone asked me this. Some say yes while some say no. However deep inside my heart I do believe "forever in love" exist. 

How do you know you are in love? There are many ways. Depend on individual I guess. To me, it is more than just heart beat faster than usual. I realized something even beyond my understanding; When appearance, status, and age, don't concern you at all, you know that you are in love. 

Many years ago, I used to date a man who is 8 years older than me, lowly educated (not even SPM graduated), fat and not good looking. He was very nice to me just that he was also overly protective till restricted my freedom of meeting friends. Anyway to cut my point short, I mind EVERYTHING! I was ok with the age, but I did mind his education level was below mine (am a Degree holder); communication was tough. He didn't seem to know what I was talking about and it was worst when I was sharing with him work related stuff. I also mind his appearance. Whenever someone commented that we were not compatible and he looked like a butcher, I would hide. I would refuse to go out with him whenever possible. Do you call this "love"? Yes, you are right, I don't love him. Eventually we went separate ways when thing turned ugly.

Through this incident, I had been searching for "love". I want to know what love is and the feeling of in love. And then guess what?! I found that feeling! I never missed somebody so much before, never kept thinking of that person (what is he doing now? Does he miss me? Is he busy etc etc etc)...appearance, status, age, everything about him doesn't concern me at all! I don't care what would others say about us or look at us when we were together. I just know that I felt secured, protected, cared, and loved whenever he was with me. I would be cranky when I didn't get to see him. In fact, I felt proud to be with him! I was proud to display my love for him in the public. I was perfectly comfortable with hugging and kissing him in the public. *OMG OMG OMG* When we weren't meeting, I would be sitting at home doing nothing all day but think about him and hope that he was ok. I was hoping he will text me soon...I would be waiting anxiously alone by the phone.

It was indeed a great feeling any in love couple would experience. I used to wonder would this feeling last forever...though I would love to, I knew it was beyond our control. But then again, whatever will be will be, the future is not for our to see.

So yes I do believe in "forever in love" but that is not my greatest belief. My greatest belief would be treasure every moment with your loved ones and leave tomorrow to tomorrow ha! Most importantly, enjoy every moment with your special someone. <3

要幸福哦！

LC

~Angry~

Seriously I am looking like an angry bird for a week. I am feeling very negative, tired, drained and angry. I felt very frustrated that I wish to be left alone. I wish to be in coma for at least a month! I don't know why I had this idea of being in coma...perhaps I just really want to rest..mind, body and soul.

I felt all the responsibilities and burden on me. I'm the main financial provider for the family, and at the same time work like a maid to ensure the house is clean and tidy and family member have clean clothes to wear daily. I really wish I can choose one out of two duties. Either a financial provider but do not need to do all those cleaning or maid but do not need to contribute a single cent.

People always said GOD made women to be multi tasking. Really?! Which part of bible says that?? Not all the women can multi tasking...At least not for me. How much can a woman bear? Bible says woman is created to support man and man's responsibility is to provide for the family. Since when woman become a supporter and a provider? Since when???

I don't want to be a bitch scolding my hubby every time I reached home but somehow I could not control it. Having a hard and tired day at work, I wish to go back to my home sweet home to seek comfort. However the moment I stepped in the house, what greeted me was not warm and loving, and clean environment but a messy and unloving environment. It was as if the house was waiting for me to clean it. It was like a war zone or rubbish house!

Newspapers everywhere on the floor as if we are painting the house, TV controllers on the floor, used cups lying around the floor, letters, bag, empty cheese wrapper, empty cake container...all around the floor instead of places that these stuff should be placed!...There is a dedicated place to store all read newspaper, used cups should be washed and place in the dish rack, empty wrappers and containers should be thrown to avoid pests, and TV controllers should be in a basket dedicated for all the controllers. Come on! Isn't it common sense? Somehow I realised my common sense is not others' common sense! Especially if the party is brought up by a family who do not have basic hygiene and manner! WTF!

For the past 5 years before we moved into new house (almost 2 years by now), I have been educating him regarding basic hygiene and manner. Being exposed to outside world for more than 10 years, isn't it an eye opener for him to distinguish between what is right and wrong? However it seem like it is a mental block to him...

Those bad habits were carried forward to new house! I am so tired of dealing with pests. It is a brand new house yet I see ants everywhere! This shows how dirty the house is *Big Sigh*

Helpless

LC

It's been long time...

It had been long time since I wrote my blog. Ever since I joined this new company (Sept 2012), I really do not have "life". I had never been into a organization where there were no system. No HR system like SAP, Brassring Kennax etc everything here is using excel to update *OMG* CO2 x 1000 loh

In addition to that, my team really love to chu pattern to give me problem. They really pattern more than badminton sigh sigh..everyday before going to work, I would pray to GOD to give me wisdom, strength, and capability to handle work and people challenges. So far, I survived for 4 months! It seemed like years to me lolx Hair is getting whiter too. My colleague told me that everyone working for that particular business unit, hairs are all white. Come to think of it, it is true! lolx What comfort me was I have nice colleagues from the business units I support. At least life wasn't that bad kekeke

New year new hope and new image. I changed a new hair style. Though many commented that I look better in my previous hair style than new hair style, but to me, I felt fresher and younger lolx

Here is my old hair style:

And here is my current hair style:

 

I suppose which one is better really depends on individual's preference ba...most importantly is I myself like it haaa

And this is me at work. I had a lousy day that day. So I decided to take a pic of my serious and angry look.

I don't know how am I going to handle my problems but I believe and trust GOD to help me. Without HIM, I probably tender. I am also thankful to 2 of my team mates who have been supporting me selflessly. This is what I call a TEAM.

Moving forward, I will try my best to build my team up with the guidance of GOD and will be a good manager to them. I pray that this team will shine and glow :)

Hopeful
LC

Love Language *Experience talk*

Have you heard of Dr. Gary Chapman's best seller book; "The 5 love languages"? In case you have not, here are the brief introduction; With more than 30 years of experience as a marriage counselor, Dr. Gary Chapman has heard it all. He has helped couples at every stage of marriage and at pivotal points in their relationships - from those just discovering the joys and trial of marriage to those who are ready to call it quits.

After many years of counseling, Dr. Chapman noticed a pattern: everyone he had counseled had a "love language," a primary way of expressing and interpreting love. He also discovered that, for whatever reason, people are usually drawn to those who speak a different love language than their own.

Of the countless ways we can show love to one another, five key categories, or five love languages, proved to be universal and comprehensive - everyone has a love language, and we all identify primarily with one of the five love languages: Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service, and Physical Touch. Check this website for the meaning of the 5 love languages (http://www.5lovelanguages.com/learn-the-languages/the-five-love-languages/)

You may be wondering why I mention it. As I moved on to my story, you will understand what was the reason.

For the whole month of August, I had been very emotionally unstable till I developed panic attack. Apart from jobless issue (I'm going to start work 3rd Sept yeah! \(^_^)/), I felt that Mr Ong wasn't concerned about me. He was busy gaming, clubbing and smsing. I found it so hard to communicate with him. There wasn't any opportunity for quality time without him doing his stuff. This had been the issue for past 6 years and I felt that it was getting worst! Determine to do something to our marriage, I decided to drop him an email. It was on 1st week of August (Sometime, face to face talk could lead to heated argument or emotional cry. Emailing is better at least it gives you time to think before you write it down). Apparently Mr Ong read it because we had a talk on the issues. He promised that he will try to improve the situation and be more sensitive to my needs. However as time goes by, I see no improvement. Eventually it led to emotion snapped and panic attack. I behaved like a crazy woman! It was so bad that first time in my life, I actually not afraid of committing suicide! Realizing that this is unhealthy and scary, I had to put an end to it.

I began to pray desperately to GOD to save me. It was then I heard a voice said,"love language". Thinking that I must be too tired, I ignored it. However as I pray, the word kept coming to my mind. Suddenly I recalled that I had bought a book, 'The 5 love languages', many years back. I searched for the book and re-read again. As I read the book, everything started to make sense. The reason why my emotion broke down was because my 'love tank' was empty. Mr Ong had failed to speak my love language to refill my love tank. As my 'love tank' was empty for long period, it eventually lead to break down of emotion. The letter I wrote to Mr Ong was an indication of my inner cry for his love. It actually indirectly stated my love language! To be fair to Mr Ong, I didn't speak his love language as well. As his 'love tank' was equally empty, he withdrew. He didn't know about the concept of love language. To him, he felt that all couples are the same after few years of marriage. What we are experiencing, no chemical in the marriage, are normal to him. However to me, because I always place GOD as number 1 in my life, my understanding of GOD's marriage are different from him. For example, Quality Time, he thinks that by physical presence with me is consider quality time. However, the real concept of quality time is focusing on your spouse and not doing other stuff, while spending time with her/him.

At this moment, there is nothing I can do except pray. Let GOD intervene this marriage. After all, I had done my best in communicating with him. Even though Mr Ong said he will try to learn to speak to my love language, I couldn't help but feel that he still does not understand my cry. I really want to break the curse and only GOD can do it. 

Hopeful
LC