Baby girl to secure marriage / 生女儿来保婚姻？

Last Sunday, we met my parents-in-law and niece, JW, for a short gathering;- Dinner and shopping. As there were only 5 of us including little JW, Mr Ong had a chance to spend time with JW. Mr Ong always favors girl than boy. Though he prefers to have girl than boy, he wasn't upset when I gave birth to Mini Ong. To him, girl is a bonus. This is why when my sister-in-law gave birth to a girl, Mr Ong was extremely excited!

However, JW didn't like Mr Ong to carry her. She prefers me instead. It took a long time before JW finally allowed Mr Ong to be close to her. It all happened only recently. Last Sunday, JW allowed Mr Ong to carry her, to play with her, and even automatically wanted Mr Ong to hold her little hands. Oh boy you can imagine how happy Mr Ong was.

Here are the pictures I took for them. See how happy they were!

After we parted, Mr Ong continued telling me how happy he was to be able to have some time with JW and how happy he was to see JW became a cheerful happy girl and he would love her etc etc..the communication was all about JW. He even said he wondered how our girl would look like. He prefers our girl to look like me because he loves my sharp and pretty face *shy shy*.

At this point, I can't help but started to think about our future and our marriage. It is not a secret that we married because I was pregnant. Though both of us wasn't ready to commit at that time, we married for the sake of Mini Ong. 6 years has passed and though our relationship has improved tremendously - Thank GOD for HIS love and support, I still have insecure feeling. I feel insecure about finances - I am still jobless and Mr Ong's has not converted to perm, I want to be financially independent so that we will not quarrel regarding money, and I feel insecure about his commitment in the family. Mr Ong loves clubbing and loves being "single" in the club. None of his clubber friends know that he is married *worried worried*.

I know I should trust GOD and remove all the fears but being a human, I'm really scare. Everyday I am praying for breakthrough in my career, finance and marriage. I am praying to remove my fear and trust GOD completely. Somehow there is a devil in me trying to scare me. The battle is ongoing daily.

If by having another baby, best of all a girl, would save my marriage, I would give it a try. However what if it's another boy? Though Mr Ong said gender doesn't matter but I knew that if it is going to be another boy, my marriage will still remain status quo. In fact it will be worst for me cos having Mini Ong already drains my energy. By having 2 boys I think I will run away. So I rather have Mini Ong ONLY. Only by having a girl will I see breakthrough in my marriage. As he prefers girl, I believe he will automatically spend more time in the family and more involve in parenting. I believe his mindset will change and so is his irresponsible attitude (Clubbing without telling people his marital status).

I told GOD if a baby girl will strengthen this marriage and this family, I will give birth to one though I don't like children. I know it is wrong to pray for baby gender but for the sake of this marriage and this family, I want to and must pray for a baby girl. I told GOD I commit my marriage to HIM. If it is HIS will for me to be pregnant again, let it be a girl. I already have a boy. Let us have a girl that looks like me. And should that day ever come, bless Mr Ong to have a permanent career, bless us to have financial breakthrough, bless us to have enough money to pay for the bills, family expenses and debts, bless us to be a committed family, and transform Mr Ong to be a responsible and loving husband and daddy.

We did not plan for another kid though Mr Ong often mentioned about having a girl. If I accidentally pregnant again (which is very unlikely...no action no baby!), I believe it is GOD's will. And if that day ever come, I believe GOD will provide. I must really learn to trust GOD completely and not let the devil scares me. My faith must be strong in order for GOD's blessing to come.

Oh GOD I pray that YOU will renew my faith in YOU daily. Let me trust YOU completely despite having a tough situation now. Block the devil who is trying to scare me. Guide me to focus in YOU only. Thank you for your love and blessing. In Jesus's name I pray Amen.

Faith

LC

The battle of angel and demon in mind

Everyone faces this situation daily. The angel vs demon aka the good vs bad. We are facing situation daily that requires to choose. Some chose to do good while some chose the bad. Did it ever occur to you that choosing bad is actually easier and happier? At least it does for me. Example, when quarrel with Mr Ong, it is so so super easy to shout at him demanding him to listen to me, than cool myself down talking to him in a gentle tone. The devil is working on me in this case. Why is it so hard to do good?

Lately panic attack me especially when the surrounding is quiet such as at night. If you don't know what is panic attack, according toWikipedia, Panic attacks are periods of intense fear or apprehension that are of sudden onset^[1] and of relatively brief duration. Panic attacks usually begin abruptly, reach a peak within 10 minutes, and subside over the next several hours. Often, those afflicted will experience significant anticipatory anxiety and limited symptom attacks in between attacks, in situations where attacks have previously occurred

(http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Panic_attack)

Fear set in because of my current situation. I have been jobless since Jan. 4 months gone and despite going for interviews, there weren't any good news. No doubt Mr Ong has been providing for the family, he doesn't pay for my personal expenses such as my parents' and my mobile bills (deducted from my GIRO monthly), lingerie, sanitary pad, insurance, transportation etc etc...In general, my own expenses excluding family expenses. 

It always lead to quarrel whenever we talk about money. He will makes me feel that it is wrong to ask him for money even though husband should provide for his wife. Hence there is no way I can become a housewife knowing that I will end up like a beggar. No money to spend on myself. Even though I earn much much much (more than 2 times) lesser than Mr Ong, at least I can spend my own money at ease. 

Daily I have been praying to God. I pray that God will bless Mr Ong with a permanent position at his current company and with wisdom to deal with insecure B**ch. I pray that I will be blessed with a permanent job with good career prospect, nice and supportive boss, and good income. However, news come in daily is negative.

It was so negative that fear set in. Seeing that my bank account is getting lesser and lesser, I couodn't help but scared. I kept telling myself God will provide as promised in HIS words yet there is a dark side of me telling me that God has forgotten me. 

It is a battle between angel and demon. Angel side of me is constantly reminding me that God will provide. I just got to trust HIM and have faith in HIM. HE will provide in HIS time. However the dark side of me is telling me God has forgotten about me and Mr Ong. If God remembers, why is Mr Ong still a contractor and may be jobless in May, and I am still jobless. 

I know I should trust God. I even remind Mr Ong daily that God is with him and he has to trust God. See how hypocrite I am? I don't even dare to tell Mr Ong the battle going through my mind! How can I keep telling Mr Ong to trust God when I myself starts to waver? 

There are times I am so tempted to be a mistress. There are married successful men who want me. Despite knowing that I am married with kid and not young anymore, they are still attracted to me, willing to splurge on me! Of course it is not about love. It is just "business transaction". Money in exchange with service. Damn! I am so 没骨气! Anyway it is a temptation. If it really happened you would see me cover with branded goods and diamond! This is dark side of me telling me to go for it. I tried to sleep the whole day daily so that I will not think too much. I dare not go out cos going out means spending. So sleeping is the best medicine for me at the moment provided I can really sleep!

Of course the good side of me is still lesser than the dark side that is why I am suffering from panic attack! If I have the money I won't be worrying about all these stuff. I am looking for part time job but I need the flexibility to go for interview as and when needed and quit without notice period. So far I have not seen such a flexibility in part time job sigh....

Anyway anyway I need to do something to divert my attention from the dark side. Something that stimulate my brain instead of me stimulating the thing. Damn I don't know what am I talking about.

Crazy
LC

白头偕老会轮到我吗？？

I was walking home this morning after sending Mini Ong to school when I saw this old couple in front of me. The wife was affectionately holding her husband arm while they were crossing the road. At times when the old lady let go her hand and the old man tend to walk faster and his old wife couldn't catch up, he would stop and wait for her. 

Looking at the scene made me wonder whether it will happen to me too? Mr Ong doesn't even hold my hand now. Will he hold my hand in future when we both old? I doubt so... As an old saying, to be husband and wife, it is "百年修得同船渡,千年修得共枕眠". Meaning 一百年的缘份可以在今世坐同一座船, 而做夫妻, 则需要一千年的缘份。Which also mean 缘份来之不易, 要珍惜. However how many actually treasure it? After married, when commitment and practical set in, ugly side of our personalities unveil. How many can actually tolerate and give in forever? Divorce rate is sky high because people loves to choose the easy way out.

2 different people from 2 different families cultures and 2 different personalities, to live under one roof is a great challenge. Those challenges we will never see before married. The funny thing is it will only reveal after married. I always wonder if it is revealed before married, at least we have choices. Either try to work things out so that after married life would be simple, or just break up. We also have 2 choices after married. Either sort out the differences or divorce. However divorce comes with a price. A very heavy price, unlike break up comes with no cost *kah ching!! Money!*

我很希望老公能当我不高兴的时候哄哄我，每晚抱着我睡觉，出门的时候牵我的手。这些对别的夫妻是多么轻而易举的是。可是对他而言是多么难。很想被爱难道这么难吗？sigh..

Sad 

LC 

Finally apologised

Mini Ong finally apologised at 7pm. He came to my room and said "I want mummy. Sorry."
Well if you think he realised his mistake, NO! He was hungry that's why he looked for me!


Stubborn! At least he did apologise.


LC

More Stubborn as he grows up

It was a normally day as aways, fetching Mini Ong from school and asked him what he wants to have for dinner. Only this time is different. Mini Ong threw tantrum! What worst hide inside his room since 6pm refused to apologize and talk to me!


Now is 6.30pm when I blog. Everything was ok just now. Mini Ong said he wanted to eat Chicken rice at the coffee shop beside Shop and Save. It was all agreed when he out of sudden changed his mind when we walked near Rivervale Plaza. He wanted to eat mixed rice. The mixed rice at Rivervale Plaze was terrible. He had one yesterday and he didn't even finish 1/2 of the food! So I refused to give in. I told him nicely there is a mixed rice stall at the coffee shop too but he refused. He even cried and threw tantrum there!


He knew I dislike him throwing tantrum in the public yet he did that. He even refused to let me hold his hand and said to me, "You are very naughty! I don't want to talk to you and don't want to hold your hand." That's it! 很有骨气是吗？跟我斗狠是吗？Fine! I also don't want to talk to him. I am not buying dinner for him and not going to shower for him too. Initially I wanted to bring him cycle after dinner, now no more!


He can wait for his daddy to come home and bring him out for dinner and shower for him. Well that would be about 10pm ba since Mr Ong has dinner appointment today. I can't believe he is so stubborn! We shall see who is more stubborn. 跟你妈做对。。。找死啊！我到要看看你会几点出来道歉！


Stubborn
LC