You Can't Give Somebody What You Don't Have

是逞强或坚强，
委屈都自己扛。
我以为那是一种退让
是一种善良。

Recently, this lyric keeps ringing in my mind. Maybe this is something to do with my situation now. I have been living in fear, and in insecurity for 7 years. Every year, I pray for the same thing. "Financial breakthrough". However, I don't see it happening to me. I do not have any debt personally except renovation loan that I borrowed from my aunt. This doesn't bother me as I pay her by installment monthly. What really stressed me and caused unhappiness in my life is Mr Ong's debts.  

I had been trying to support and to help him for 7 years. I may not be the best wife in the world but I did my part. His debts problem became worst lately as he is jobless for many month. It was so bad that one of the banks started to call me demanding payment (I was then his guarantor). The calls soon became harassment when the bank kept calling me during office hours to threaten me. I begged Mr Ong to solve the problem but he refused. Ignored it. Telling me he is helpless. 

I was angry. Very mad at his irresponsibility. I wanted to declare bankrupt. Wanted to "同归于尽“ However, I have mini Ong to support. If I bankrupt, it will definitely affects my employment. How am I going to support mini Ong?Finally, I paid the bank using other means. However, the other bank problem is still unsettled. What made the matter worst is his personal expenses like mobile bill etc all added to me and debtor came to our house demand for payment! I am really unhappy and bua song. Why should I have to bear all these? Just because legally we are husband and wife? Pui! F!

I prayed to God crying to HIM begging HIM to save me. I really really do not want to have ANYTHING to do with Mr Ong. Call me a selfish bitch. I don't care. It's time to care for myself and mini Ong. Somehow, I didn't know if God heard my crying.Finally one day, HE showed me HE heard me. It was a Wednesday morning and I was in the train praying (My personal time with GOD is always on the way to work). I had very bad menses cramp and on that day, and I need to pick a candidate from Tai Seng MRT station to office at 9.30am (She didn't know the way from MRT to office as the route is complicated). I told God, "God, why am I so stupid? I should have told her to wait for me at Tai Seng MRT station at 8.30am instead so that we can walk to office together. Then I don't have to come out from office at 9.15am again. Stupid me." It was then miracle happened. The candidate called me (it was 8.30am) telling me she was at Tai Seng MRT waiting for me and just then, MRT stopped at Serangoon station! (I need to transit from Serangoon MRT to take CCL to Tai Seng) I was like "WOW!" 

On the same week on Friday night. God spoke to me again. I was praying for breakthrough telling GOD how tired I am when Joyce Meyer (I was listening to her sermon at the same time) said, "You can't give somebody what you don't have." It was then I realized why I was tired and drained. I had been trying to give Mr Ong what I don't have! Those money that I spent on helping him are NOT my own but from my mum's and friend and because I loan from them, it becomes my responsibility to return. This exhausts my energy. Causes me to be unhappy.

GOD is really hearing me! HE is telling me to STOP giving what I don't have and learn to draw from HIM. I have to learn to ignore Mr Ong's threat about me not helping him (He doesn't tell me directly to help him but would use other method to make me feel bad. TMD! I really hate it whenever he does that!)Time for me to learn to ignore him and time for him to learn to manage his "shit". Even if he needs to declare bankrupt, so be it.  So long GOD is with me, I am protected and loved.

Thank you GOD!LC